Jessica is here!

Baby Jessica Charlotte decided that she wanted to choose her own birthday rather than wait for the induction and arrived on 6th September at 08.50, weighing in at 5lb 10oz. She had her first heart op at eight hours old to enlarge her atrial septum and reposition her pulmonary veins and is currently on PICU, recovering well from the first op and awaiting a second op which will take place early next week. She is such a beautiful baby and we love her so very much already. We will be posting regular updates on her blog which is at http://jessica-thejourney.blogspot.com/

Elephant feet

Having got through the summer and most of the third trimester without feeling too uncomfortable (although it probably helped that August was somewhat cooler than average) or getting puffy feet, I thought I was going to be lucky enough to avoid getting swollen ankles at all in the last trimester. In the last twenty-four hours though, it seems that my ankles have been replaced with those of an albino elephant which, as you can imagine, is not the most attractive look in the world. It’s another indication that it is time to take things easy and put my feet up.

Catching up on card making

I enjoy making my own cards for birthdays and other occasions and often try and do these in batches as most months I have a quite a few cards to send out (due to having such a large family!) With Jessica’s arrival getting more and more imminent, I have been trying to get as many cards done as possible and so have been spending most of today surrounded by coloured paper, peel-offs and glue. It’s been a productive day though and I now have a large batch of finished cards ready to send off for various birthdays and other events.

September is here!

I can’t believe that September is here already. This is the month when Jessica will make her arrival and I just pray that we will have the miracle that we are hoping for and she will be able to have surgery and get through it. It surprises me how many people seem to think that I can’t wait for this pregnancy to be over and assume I must be very uncomfortable by now – I have loved being pregnant and feeling Jessica move and whilst part of me is excited at the thought of meeting her, it is also very scary.

New minister

Had our welcome service for our new minister at church this evening. We have been without a minister for just over a year which on the one hand has been good as it has really helped us to pull together as a church family and it has been quite interesting having a variety of preachers on a Sunday morning. Still, it will be good to finally have our own minister again. It’s also provided an incentive to get some of those publicity jobs done that I have been sitting on for a while (Jessica’s imminent arrival also providing another incentive!)

My wonderful chiropractor

Thank goodness my wonderful chiropractor managed to fit me in this morning – by the time I went to bed last night, I could hardly walk – made me realise just how disabling SPD can be when it really flares up. Thankfully a good night’s sleep eased things a little and my lovely chiropractor managed to work her magic so that walking has become reasonably comfortable again and I’m back to walking like Jemima Puddleduck, which is an improvement on the very uncomfortable shuffling that I was having to do before seeing her. Mental note – really must take things a bit easier!

Nesting

I suspect my nesting instinct has started to kick in as I was seized with an overwhelming urge to unpack half the boxes in the spare room, most of which have been there for nearly a year. The spare room looks much better but I think I have overdone things a bit as all that moving things about has really caused the SPD to flare up and walking has become quite painful as a result - I am walking like a little old lady! Must try and remember to take things easy, meanwhile think a trip to the chiropractor is needed!

Road Show

Went to see Road Show at the Menier Chocolate Factory with the in-laws last night. It was a really good show, very typical Sondheim with its complex ensemble numbers and clever lyrics. The cast were all excellent and scene changes were a delight to watch, everything was very slick and beautifully choreographed. I had been warned to bring a cushion though as the seating isn't very comfortable. Even with the cushion, I spent the last 20 minutes of this 95 minute one act show focusing more on trying to get comfortable rather than on the performances which was a shame.

Goodbye, Uncle John

It was my Uncle John’s funeral yesterday and so I travelled down to be with my family and say my goodbyes to him. Whilst it was a sad occasion, it was nice to be able to see so many of my cousins and some of my aunties and uncles whom I don’t see very often at all. It is just a shame that we rarely see each other except at these kind of occasions although given that there are so many of us (we worked out that there are thirty-eight of us first cousins in total), that isn’t too surprising.

Return of the SPD

I’ve been quite lucky with regards to the SPD throughout most of this pregnancy – considering it was diagnosed quite early on, I’ve really not had too many problems with it, probably thanks to giving up tap, seeing my chiropractor regularly and avoiding the things which are likely to exacerbate the problem – long walks tend to trigger it. It flared up a little recently but Monday’s trip to the chiropractor soon sorted it out. Unfortunately, I skidded on a greasy floor when out for Michael’s birthday meal which has really caused it to flare up again and makes walking particularly uncomfortable.

Introducing baby Scarlett

I have a new great-niece – baby Scarlett was born earlier today and looks absolutely gorgeous from the photos that I have seen and very much like my nephew! Many congratulations to my nephew Craig and his girlfriend Charlie on the arrival of their little girl. Scarlett’s arrival brings the total of great-nieces and great-nephews to ten (four great-nieces and six great-nephews). I’m not quite sure yet when I will get to meet the latest arrival to the family but would like to wish Craig and Charlie all the best for the coming weeks as they get to grips with parenthood.

Michael's birthday

It was Michael’s birthday yesterday and we ended up going out for a Chinese meal with friends. Considering that we left it to the last minute to organise (which is fairly typical for us!), there was a reasonable size group of us which was great. It was a lovely evening and I also made Michael a very chocolately birthday cake. Unfortunately Michael had to go off to work afterwards to prepare for an event that he’s working on today so didn’t get to relax quite as much as he would have liked, but he enjoyed spending the evening with friends.

The spider saga

I’m not a fan of spiders. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have a spider phobia, but I definitely don’t like some of the big spiders that we get in our house sometimes. Particularly the massive one that I discovered in the bath yesterday morning. I just could not pluck up the courage to catch it in a jar and take it outside. Which meant having to wash in the downstairs bathroom and use dry shampoo on my hair. The upstairs bathroom remained out of bounds until hubby finally arrived home and removed the spider for me.

A nice start to my maternity leave

Had a good start to my maternity leave. Michael is back from his work trip and home again and my sister Maxine and nephew Kieran came up to visit for the day. I tend to see family mostly when I go home to visit them but lately there have been more occasions when they have come up to visit me. Michael even managed to pop home for a while in the afternoon to catch up with them as well. Always good to be able to spend quality time with my family – just a shame they don’t live a bit nearer.

Maternity leave

I have now finished the last of my visits and said goodbye to the last of my mums and babies, finished off all the little bits of paperwork that I still needed to do and switched my work phone off. I am now officially on maternity leave and ready to put my feet up and relax until Jessica decides to make her appearance. It does feel a little bit odd to be stopping work completely with no real idea of when I’m likely to make a return or if it will even be to exactly the same job as before.

Home alone

Michael is away again this weekend on another work trip but hopefully this is going to be the last one before Jessica makes her appearance. At least this time he hasn’t left the country but it’s still far enough away to make me a little nervous about whether he would be able to get back in time if Jessica did decide to arrive sooner than anticipated. Thank goodness it’s just a short trip though – he’s back on Monday and his parents are just down the road in case of emergency but hopefully there won’t be any need to call them!

Realisations

Going out for curry with a group of friends last night was fun, but it brought home to me once again how very close the next stage of our journey with baby Jessica is. As we said goodbye at the end of the evening, it dawned on me that it was quite likely that I wouldn’t see some of these friends again before Jessica’s arrival – the next curry night being planned for after our induction date. By this time next month, we will have taken another step on the journey and the future is so uncertain and I am scared.

35 week scan

Back to Oxford again this afternoon for another scan. The situation with Jessica’s heart looks pretty much the same as it has been at the last few scans – the foramen ovale still appears to be very small but there is blood flow through it and Jessica appears to be coping well. Her size wasn’t measured today but hopefully she is still continuing to grow well. She is still a little wrigglebottom and gets hiccups at least a couple of times a day. Just the fact that she is active and as well as can be expected is a huge blessing.

Our new home - one year on

It’s been exactly a year today since we got the keys for our house and I have to admit that I thought we’d have finished all the decorating and unpacked all the boxes long before now but we still have unpacked boxes and rooms that aren’t quite as we’d like them to be. The main thing is that most of the things we need regularly were unpacked a long time ago, the things that are needed less frequently are accessible and we’ll probably find that the things that are still unpacked are now mostly things we don’t need after all.

Finding time for friends

Over recent months, I have come to realise just how important my friends are to me. Sometimes we might go some time without speaking to certain friends but I know that it doesn’t mean that we don’t care, just that life can be so busy that time whizzes past and weeks go by almost without us realising it. Often I find this is something I am guilty of. I will suddenly think ‘I must call so-and-so’ but the thought only occurs to me late at night when it is too late to do so, rather than at a convenient time.

RIP Uncle John

I was very sad to hear that my Uncle John passed away earlier today. He was one of my mum’s older brother and we found out that he had terminal cancer just a couple of weeks ago. During the last week or so, his condition had deteriorated very rapidly and so today’s news was not unexpected – in some ways it is a blessing that he did not have to suffer for too long, although it was still of course very sad news and he has now gone to be with Auntie Jean. Thoughts and prayers are with my cousins tonight.

Being looked after

With Michael away on another work trip, my mum has come up again to spend a few days with me. As always, it is great to be able to spend time with my mum. As well as being there to provide emotional support, she is also great at helping out around the house and making sure she looks after me and Jessica as much as possible. In the last couple of days, the SPD has flared up so having my mum around to help with household chores is a huge blessing and means I can take it a bit easier.

Halfway through camp

I’m now approaching the mid-month point at Camp NaNoWriMo and this is when it all seems to be getting very difficult. I’m just about keeping up with my word count (well, maybe very slightly behind schedule) but this is the stage when I start floundering around in the middle of my novel, wondering where I’m going next and why I decided to take this challenge on in the first place. Once I hit 30,000 words, I seem to regain my enthusiasm but at the moment, it is hard to keep motivated. Must remember that this is supposed to be fun!

Anxious anticipation

Now that we have an induction date booked, the next stage on this journey with our baby girl seems to be that much nearer. I am becoming increasingly aware once again of just how precious all those little movements are and how blessed we are with every day that we have with our baby girl. There are times when staying positive and optimistic seems that little bit harder and I struggle to have faith and trust in God. Michael has been the most amazing support throughout all of this – I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful husband.

Moving on

Now that our journey is nearing the next stage, our care at Oxford is starting to reach its end. We have been anxious at the thought of leaving the care of a team in whose hands we felt so safe and having to get to know a new team of people. However, one of the good things about going to Southampton is that it is a familiar environment to me – I did my midwifery training there and already knew the midwife and consultant obstetrician whom we met at our appointment which has helped us to feel more at ease there.

Another day, another hospital

Met the Southampton team today and have been booked for care there. The decision as to whether to attempt surgery will be made after Jessica is born as it depends very much on the situation regarding blood flow to the lungs which cannot be fully assessed until they are in use after birth. If this is poor, then Jessica is likely to get sick very quickly after birth and will be too unwell for surgery to be an option. The odds of surgery being a viable option are low but we will keep praying that it will be an option.

UK riots

Like most people around the country, I am absolutely appalled by the scenes of rioting in London and other UK cities over the last couple of days. There are people out there who have lost their homes and their livelihoods all because of groups of yobs who seem to be on the rampage for no real reason whatsoever. What on earth is the world coming to? It is just horrible. I just cannot understand why people living in a supposedly civilised society would act in this way and am thankful that my friends in the affected areas are all safe.

Had another scan at Oxford today to check how Jessica is doing. Her heart condition still remains pretty much as before and we are due to see the team at Southampton later this week for another scan and to discuss the possibility of post-birth surgery. Our consultant at Oxford has warned us not to raise our hopes too high though – the severity of Jessica’s heart condition does mean that the odds of post-birth surgery being likely to succeed are still quite low. On the plus side, she is still wriggly and we saw her beautiful little face on scan today.

First aid for hedgehogs

We have a hedgehog living in our back garden. Yesterday he was out on the lawn and after a while I noticed he was just lying on the grass barely moving. When I went out to investigate, I discovered that he had a big red rubber band wrapped around his middle. He barely moved as I managed to cut it off him but the minute my back turned, he had disappeared back into the bushes. Thankfully I have seen him wandering around the garden a couple of times since then and he seems to be none the worse for it.

In praise of planning

With friends who live a considerable distance away, plans to meet up often do have to be made ahead of time (there’s no point going on an eight-hour drive to see a friend on a whim only to find they’re away on holiday for two weeks!) In those situations, it definitely pays to plan! Planning is also much better when you are trying to arrange to meet up with a large group of friends or particular friends – after all, everyone has busy lives and those periods of ‘free’ time don’t always coincide! But it’s still fun to be spontaneous sometimes!

The joys of being spontaneous

I love last-minute plans to catch up with friends. It can be frustrating sometimes when the only way it seems you can catch up with a friend is for the two of you to take out your diaries and eventually find a mutually acceptable date, often many weeks in advance. Making plans to spend time with friends shouldn’t always feel like you are booking an appointment with them. Whilst spontaneity doesn’t always work, it’s great when it does and some of the best times I have had with friends have been when things have been arranged at the last minute.

Hooray for rain!

In true British-summer style after a few sunny days, we have now had a day of it raining almost incessantly. And for once, I’m actually quite glad that it is raining because it is so much cooler and fresher as a result. It means that I’ve managed to have a reasonably productive day and actually get some of those things on the ‘to-do’ list done instead of wilting away on the sofa feeling like I’m about to melt. I suspect being happy about the rain puts me in a minority though but maybe the sunshine will be back again tomorrow.

Camp NaNoWriMo - month 2

Camp NaNoWriMo. Fabulous idea – a chance to repeat the fun that it is NaNoWriMo in the summer time rather than having to wait until November. Except that because it is running for two months instead of one, there was always going to be the temptation to go mad and take part in both months and try and write two draft novels. Particularly when I know that my writing buddy is going to do exactly the same. I could say no and take things easy but since when have I ever been capable of doing that? Let the madness commence (again!)

A little on the warm side...

Don’t get me wrong – it’s lovely to have some nice summery weather (believe me, we never seem to get enough of it) but this level of heat and humid is just a little too much for me at this stage of pregnancy. So if someone could please just turn the summer thermostat down by a couple of degrees before I melt, that would be fabulous. Plus it would help to prevent the swollen ankles which have recently made their first appearance – going from leg to foot without any obvious area connecting the two in between is not a good look!

Getting closer...

We are now in August which means that Jessica is due to arrive next month (and will hopefully hold off until then before deciding to make her appearance). I am not anxious for this month to go by too quickly though – even though we have a little hope again, the future is still very uncertain and so every moment that we still have with Jessica wriggling about is so very precious. Those movements are certainly getting quite big now and I can definitely feel little feet sticking out! It is just lovely to feel her moving about so much though.

A Sunday afternoon with family

After a lovely Saturday catching up with my family at the wedding, it was good to also be able to spend some time on Sunday catching up with family as well and getting to see my beautiful nieces Erin and Ebony who were staying with their granny yesterday rather than being at the wedding. Ebony is fascinated by my bump at the moment and every time Jessica starts moving, she comes over and puts a hand on my bump so she can feel Jessica moving about and gives her kisses whereas Erin seems a little bit unsure about it all.

Dawn & James' wedding

It seems to be another good year for weddings and so we were off to the third wedding so far this year – my niece Dawn was getting married in a lovely hotel in the New Forest. I love family weddings – it is always good to be able to catch up with my siblings, nieces and nephews. The weather was beautiful and Dawn and James both looked so happy. I even managed to get up and do a bit of jiving with Michael in the evening which wasn’t too bad for being seven months’ pregnant! All in all, a lovely day.

Backstage at Musical Mischief

So of course, now that things are slowing down at work and I’m in the third trimester, I’m taking things easy, putting my feet up and relaxing… Or, maybe not! This week I’m helping out backstage for Musical Mischief – this year’s Pastiche Theatre concert. Of course, I’m not moving scenery or anything – just making sure that people are in the wings at the right time. Even though I’ve given up treading the boards, I just can’t walk away from the am-dram scene entirely. I have to confess though I am missing being on stage just a tiny bit this time…

Camp NaNoWriMo - another challenge met!

28 days into Camp NaNoWriMo, the challenge has been met and the winner’s line crossed! I have written 50,841 words and have the beginnings of a first draft (still incomplete though) and it has been good to get back into the habit of writing more regularly again. There is still another month of camp available in August so the question is am I crazy enough to do it all again next month or shall I just focus on what I’ve written this time round and finish the first draft? Of course, there’s last year’s NaNoWriMo novel to edit as well…

32 week scan update - part 2

Jessica is continuing to grow well – at yesterday’s scan, her weight was estimated to be 4lb 2oz which is fairly average for this stage of pregnancy. She also seems to be coping well with everything – there are no signs at present that her heart is starting to fail and hopefully this will continue to be the case. She is still just as active as ever (and just as hiccuppy!) – she was wriggling about so much during the scan yesterday that trying to measure the blood flow through various parts of her heart was a bit of a challenge at times!

32 week scan update - part 1

Today’s scan shows a similar picture in terms of blood flow to the one two weeks ago but we have been given another glimmer of hope. The team in Southampton have seen our scans and are willing to consider attempting surgery after Jessica is born. It will depend on whether she is well enough after birth for surgery to be attempted but at least it may now be an option. If I go into labour from now onwards, then Jessica will be given drugs after birth to keep the hole in her heart open and then assessed for possible surgery.

Ladder logic

During the get-in of a show, the seats in the auditorium are pushed back, so to get to the sound box at the back, where Michael is usually working, I have to climb a ladder. The fact that I’m still happy to do this at seven months’ pregnant seems to cause my mother-in-law concern that I am putting her granddaughter at risk. I wouldn’t do it if I thought I was likely to fall – my daughter’s safety is the most important thing to me too. Surely having more weight at the front means I’m less likely to fall off anyway?

A day at the spa...

Hubby and I decided that it would be a good idea to spend some quality time together before baby Jessica arrives and as we had really enjoyed our last spa day back in November, we decided that we should do it again (having got a spa voucher from my mother-in-law for my birthday also helped!). We had a lovely day and had a massage, facial and pedicure each so both of us now feel very chilled out as a result. I think Jessica enjoyed it all too if all the little wriggles I was getting were anything to go by!

Camp NaNoWriMo update

This month’s writing challenge is going much better than last month’s – I’m now up to the 40,000 word mark so just another week and another 10,000 words to go. Slowing down at work has definitely helped – I have more time to write, although trying to get back into the habit of writing 1600+ words per day was a real struggle at first, but I think I’ve got into the swing of it now. And then after a good day on the writing front, what better way to finish it then by going out for a curry with some good friends?

Playtime

Jessica’s wriggles are definitely much bigger now and I can see my bump really move when she starts being active. She also gets hiccups quite a lot – generally several times a day. Michael and I sometimes play a little with her when she is active – patting where she has kicked in response to her movements or balancing a CD case or something like that on my bump when she is moving and watch it moving about with her. She also seems more responsive – often if she is quiet, I will rest my hand on my bump and she’ll then wriggle.

Here's to the ladies who lunch

Technically I’m still working at the moment, but now that all my clients have given birth and I’m no longer on call for births, things are slowing down. I now only have one client left to do postnatal visits for and so have a lot more free time to spend at home or catching up with friends – being a ‘lady wot lunches’. This afternoon was spent catching up with some midwifery friends whom I used to work with – one of them has recently had a baby boy so it was lovely to meet him as well and have some cuddles.

Thoughts on Google+

I use social networking sites a lot, so had been interested in trying out Google+. I have to say, that I haven’t really been that impressed so far. Part of the problem is having so few friends also on Google+ but there are other problems I’ve had with it so far – not being able to find friends that I knew were also on there and they couldn’t find me either (which seemed bizarre given Google’s strength as a search engine) but I’ve also struggled with adjusting privacy settings on photos. Can’t see it replacing facebook any time soon for me.

RIP Olive

Have been saying goodbye to a very lovely lady from my church today. Olive passed away recently at the grand old age of 95 and was one of the first people whom I got to know at the church I attend, mainly because she knew Michael’s family so well, having been good friends with Michael’s nanna when Michael’s nanna was alive. She was always very smiley and friendly, interested in everything that was going on and was quite sprightly up until a few months ago. The church was quite packed with people saying their goodbyes to her yesterday. RIP Olive.

Preparing for another show

Despite having given up on treading the boards nearly a year ago, I haven’t quite managed to detach myself from am-dram entirely – I still help by putting the programme together and Michael likes to get involved on the technical side so we end up going to a couple of the last rehearsals before show week and then being around during some of show week itself. It’s a strange feeling to be involved in the show in this way – whilst you are still a little part of it all, in some ways you don’t really feel part of it at all.

Starting to nest

My nesting instinct has started to kick in. Trying to prepare for Jessica’s arrival is difficult though – we want to go and buy some things, but because the future is so very uncertain, we can’t buy all that much right now. Wandering around baby shops brings the realisation home again that our situation is so very different from how we’d anticipated things being at this stage. I’ve cleared space in our guest bedroom for the few baby things that we do have, but clearing out the room which was originally intended to be the nursery remains on hold for now.

Thank you for the music(als)

Spent the afternoon at a surprise party for the director of the am-dram group I used to be involved with. After about fifty years of directing am-dram shows, she decided to step down after the most recent production of Kiss Me Kate and so today was a chance for lots of people who have been involved in various shows over the years to say thank you for all the hard work she has put in. It was good to see lots of the people that I have done shows with in the few years I was involved in the group.

Swimming pool shock

The idea of going for a swim in the local outdoor pool on a lovely sunny day seemed quite appealing, particularly as I suspected it wouldn’t be too busy as the school holidays haven’t yet started. The only thing I didn’t check was whether it was heated or not and got quite a shock when I got in the water to discover it was absolutely freezing cold! I thought going for a swim would be nice and relaxing – I wasn’t prepared for the experience to be bracing instead! Next time, I think I will go for the heated indoor pool.

Cordocentesis results

We had the results of the cordocentesis (a test where blood is taken from the umbilical cord and screened for genetic abnormalities) back today and thankfully the results are completely normal. Our consultants didn’t think that it was very likely that Jessica’s heart condition was linked to any genetic abnormalities but it is a relief that this has been confirmed. The test has also confirmed that Jessica is definitely a little girl – we would have been very surprised if this hadn’t been the case after all the scans that we have had but it is good to be completely certain.

30 week scan update

Today’s scan showed that things are fairly similar to how they were last week – the blood flow through Jessica’s heart and surrounding blood vessels is about the same, and there is still fairly high pressure in the left atrium. The plan remains the same at present – not to intervene after she is born (although it would be too early as yet to do anything anyway). We will keep praying for further improvement and for post-birth surgery to become an option though. On the plus side, she seems to still be coping well and growing nicely (estimated weight now 3lb 1oz).

It's good to talk...

Whilst I generally manage to enjoy my pregnancy, there are times when I find it hard and feel a bit isolated because I can’t quite relate to what other women are focusing on at this stage of pregnancy. Since Jessica’s diagnosis, I have discovered that one of my school friends has a son with a similar heart condition. It felt strange to be calling her for a chat after so many years but within minutes we were chatting away easily and I felt so much better for being able to talk to someone who understood exactly how I was feeling.

2nd wedding anniversary

This time two years ago, Michael and I were celebrating at our wedding reception. Our wedding day was fabulous – I don’t think I stopped smiling from the moment I woke up that morning until my head finally hit the pillow that night. I feel very blessed to have had two years of married life with such a wonderful supportive and loving husband. The last two years have not been the easiest by any means, but I am so glad to have had Michael by my side during them, and I hope we will get to spend many more years together.

Getting back to work

When I finished work a couple of weeks ago to take time off for Jessica’s operation, it was all very uncertain as to whether I would start my maternity leave at that point or not depending on the outcome and care for my last clients had to be taken over by my colleagues just in case. It has been good to get back to work again in the last couple of days. The last of my babies has now arrived and so I just have a few postnatal visits left to do before I go off on my maternity leave.

Beading workshop

Every time I go to a church beading day, I always end up buying a lot of beads but this time I was determined not to and use up some of the beads I already have instead. I didn’t quite succeed in not buying anything – needed to get some clasps and silver beads but managed to avoid the temptation to spend a fortune on beads I don’t really need. It was a very productive day – made five new necklaces, tried some new techniques and finally used some of the beads that have been sitting in my bead box for ages.

One week post-surgery - scan update

Our scan yesterday shows that Jessica is doing well after last week’s surgery. The team are pleased that the surgery was successful in that the hole in her heart has been enlarged and she coped well with the procedure. There is some improvement in blood flow through that hole and through one of the pulmonary veins although the blood flow through the other still seems much the same and so the current plan is still for comfort care after birth. We will keep praying for further improvements as she will still need more surgery after birth in order to survive.

Things that go bump in the night

Hubby is a bit of a night owl and I often end up waking in the night and wandering downstairs to find he’s fallen asleep on the sofa. Last night, I headed downstairs in the dark and appeared in the doorway just as he was turning off the lights to come upstairs. I thought he’d heard me, but clearly not because he turned round and nearly jumped out of his skin! I don’t think I’ve seen him look so scared since I woke him up dressed as Fruma Sarah during Fiddler – only this time I wasn’t intending to frighten him.

Preparing to return to work

I met up with my colleagues for lunch today and enjoyed catching up with them all. I’m still off work at the moment, recovering from last week’s surgery. We had to put plans in place to cover my two remaining clients (one of whom has yet to give birth) as it was uncertain when (or if) I would be coming back, depending on how things went. Whilst I’m not planning on being fully on-call (contorting over a birth pool is no longer very easy to do!), I’m hoping to be back doing some visits from the end of this week.

Chipping away at the home improvements

When we first bought our house, we spent a lot of time decorating and trying to get as much done as possible before we moved in, knowing that things would slow down considerably once we were actually in the house. We have been living here for nearly a year now, and there is still a lot that needs to be done (admittedly losing my job at the end of last year slowed progress down a bit) and a couple of rooms are still mostly being used as storage areas for unpacked boxes. Slowly, we are chipping away at it though.

Camp NaNoWriMo

Another month brings another writing challenge as my writing buddy has challenged me to take part in Camp NaNoWriMo with its target of 50,000 words. Last month’s ‘fun’ challenge to write 30,000 words of fiction in a month was intended to be a warm-up, although with everything else going on, creative writing quickly dropped off the priorities list and I gave up around the 5000 word mark. In the end, neither of us managed to meet the target but now that I’ve finished working full-time (although am planning on doing some postnatal visits still), I might find time to write.

Taking it easy

It’s been great having my mum up for the weekend. Jessica’s surgery means that I’m now at increased risk of pre-term labour (she has to hang on until term for post-birth surgery to be an option) and the consultant’s orders are to “take things easy”. So I spent the evening with my feet up whilst my mum did the ironing and Michael cooked dinner (and I tried, not always successfully, not to interfere in the process). I’m not very good at relinquishing control of household chores to my husband but I’m sure I could get better with some more practice!

Summed up in a Facebook post

I saw this posted on a friend’s Facebook wall recently and I wanted to share it as it really does sum up how I have felt in these past couple of months and how much I have changed as a person since discovering about Jessica’s heart condition:

“Having a child with a life threatening condition changes you. It brings out strength in you that you never knew you had, it makes you appreciate the little things in life, it makes you fear that every memory you make together may be your last, and it teaches you that miracles do happen.”

So much to be thankful for

We have so much to thank God for. We are thankful for the medical team who were willing to perform a new and complicated surgical procedure, for their skills and determination to succeed with the surgery, for the fabulous care we have received from the all the team at Oxford, for all our friends, family and everyone who has been praying for Jessica throughout all of this (some of whom we don’t even know) and for the fact that our baby girl is still here and wriggling. Just to be in this place right now is a miracle in itself.

Successful surgery (hopefully!)

The team at Oxford managed to carry out the surgery on Jessica yesterday evening and it looks like the hole in her heart has been enlarged although it is too early to tell whether it has made much difference to blood flow or whether her odds for post-birth surgery have improved. She seemed to cope very well with it all and is moving about this morning which is just the most amazing feeling in the world. We feel so incredibly blessed to be here right now with her still wriggling about – God has really been amazing throughout all of this.

Surgery update

Jessica is wriggling away this morning which is a beautiful feeling. We are going to be re-attempting the surgery again today though as she wasn’t in the best position to place the needle in her heart to do the procedure although the team did try a couple of times. She seemed to cope well with it (although tried to kick the needle away when they were taking the amniocentesis sample before she was sedated!) We have been told the risk of the procedure is 10-50% so any prayers for Jessica to get through all this will be very much appreciated.

Praying for Jessica

And so the big day is here and Jessica’s operation is scheduled for this afternoon. I am scared but I know that my baby girl is surrounded by so much prayer at the moment and there are so many people out there praying that the operation will be a success – family, friends and friends of friends. I know that Jessica is in God’s hands and that He is always with all of us – throughout the operation and in the days ahead. Every little wriggle today is precious and I pray that there are still many more of them to come.

Busyness and distraction

The end of the month is always a bit of a busy time but with Jessica’s operation drawing near, I can’t really think about anything that needs to happen after that and so I have been trying to get everything done a few days early which has led to a day of feeling a little bit like a headless chicken. In some ways, the distraction has been good and has managed to take my mind off what is going to happen this week. In other ways, the busyness has made today feel like it has gone by in a whirlwind.

Hot Mikado - review

The cast were clearly enjoying themselves from the very first moment they appeared on stage in SOS’s production of Hot Mikado, an updated jazzy version of the G&S classic, resulting in some very enthusiastic and energetic moments, particularly in the ensemble numbers. Jason Sly and Vicky Wilson in the lead roles of Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum were somewhat overshadowed by Matt Sturgeon and Marlene Hill who both gave superlative comedic performances in the roles of Ko-Ko and Katisha – the latter being particularly well suited to the part with her rich, soulful voice and dominating stage presence. Overall, a very enjoyable show.

Capturing precious moments

I have had quite a few ‘bump’ photos taken so far to show how Jessica has been growing as the weeks go by, but there have been no photos capturing those precious moments of Michael bonding with our daughter and I felt it was important to have some photos with Michael in as well which didn’t look too formal or posed. Thanks to our lovely friend Brian, who was one of the photographers at our wedding, this has now been achieved and we have some beautiful photos of Michael listening to Jessica’s heartbeat and generally bonding with our little girl.

Stop, time...

This week seems to be going by too quickly for my liking. One thing I have learned over the past few weeks is just how precious time really is and how important it is to make the most of every moment; to really live in the moment and not look too far ahead into the future. I try not to think of the things that lie ahead and just enjoy those precious moments that I have right now – the moments when Jessica wriggles, when Michael and I cuddle up on the sofa and tell her how much we love her.

Washday woes

Came home from work the other day to find the kitchen floor absolutely flooded. It wasn’t a complete shock – our washing machine has been leaking a little for a while but with an overflowing wash basket thanks to Michael’s trip away, I had hoped it would hold out a little longer. After the hassle of trying to get it repaired last time and having to be without it for eight weeks, I think it is time for a new washing machine. Preferably a quieter one – ours sounds like a plane trying to take off when it is on spin cycle.

Handing over care

I have managed to avoid telling my clients about the concerns with my own pregnancy until now (although had introduced back-up midwives with the explanation that I had a family member who was unwell and would possibly need time off to support them). Now that I’m finishing work sooner than anticipated, I have had to tell a couple of clients the full story (particularly as one hasn’t yet had her baby) which has been really hard. I don’t want my clients to worry about me but I needed to let them know why I can’t stay involved in their care.

Not very chivalrous

My bump is now big enough that the ‘Baby on Board’ badge I wear when travelling on the Tube is probably not necessary. It doesn’t always produce the hoped-for result – I made a beeline for the last remaining seat on a crowded train this morning only for a man on the other side of the train to rush ahead and grab it even though he’d clearly noticed the baby bump. He didn’t even look slightly embarrassed when the nice lady next to me offered her seat instead. Chivalry may not be dead but it’s not exactly alive and kicking either…

The joys of jams

I feel like I have spent most of today sitting in traffic jams and running late for all of my visits. Why is it that the traffic jam always seems to start just at the point where you are left with no choice but to sit and wait it out rather than just before the junction where you could have turned off and found an alternative route? And the traffic update that would have alerted you to the problem only comes on the radio once you already quite aware of the traffic jam as you’re now in it. Very frustrating.

Father's Day memories

Father’s Day is another one of those days when I just miss my dad a little bit more although I do like to believe that he is still watching over all of us even though he is no longer with us. I always tried to go home on Father’s Day to spend time with him even if I was on call. I always liked to surprise him by not telling him that I would be coming home although given that I did that most years, it probably wasn’t really as much of a surprise as I thought it would be!

Causing confusion

Had an early start to the day – being called out at 4am to go and support a client in labour. I caused a little confusion when I arrived at the labour ward – they thought I was a patient when I first arrived until I explained that I was a midwife and there to support someone else! Several hours later, there was the joy of welcoming a beautiful baby boy into the world. It feels odd to think that this could be the last birth I attend for some time as I shall be going off work in a week’s time.

Keeping busy

Work has been quite busy over the last few weeks – June did look set to be a busy month though with a few babies due. Being busy has been a blessing in some ways – I haven’t had the time to sit at home and worry, but have still managed to have time to bond with Jessica whilst sitting in traffic jams travelling to visits. There have been times when I have found my job a little harder, but my situation has also meant being more able to empathise and support my clients when things aren’t going so well for them.

Treasuring every moment

Since finding out about Jessica’s heart condition, I have tried to stay positive and to keep hoping for the best. There are moments when I am very scared and moments when I just need to have a good cry but on the whole, I would still say that I am enjoying my pregnancy and most of the time feel happy and blessed to have been given Jessica as my daughter. I love feeling her move, love it when Michael kisses my bump (giving Jessica kisses is the one thing he can do that I can’t!) and am treasuring every moment.

A ray of hope

We have been praying for hope for our little Jessica and today it seems that our prayers are being answered. We had been exploring the option of fetal surgery to enlarge one of the holes in Jessica’s heart to improve her chances of surgery post-birth and at today’s scan it was confirmed that this is an option and we have been booked for this surgery on 28 June. It will be the first time (as far as we know) that this procedure has been carried out in the UK and it is risky but it will give her a chance.

Having hubby home again

After more than two weeks of him being away, it is so good to have my hubby back home with me again. Apparently my bump has grown quite a lot since he left – one of his first comments was about how big I suddenly was looking! Jessica’s wriggles are also a lot more noticeable now – he couldn’t always feel her moving about before so he got a bit of a surprise when he rested his head against my bump for a moment and Jessica promptly gave him a big kick as if to say ‘get off, Daddy, you’re squashing me!’

Thank you Mum!

Having my mum stay with me for nine days has been wonderful. I don’t think I have spent so much time with her since back in my university days when I went home for the summer. I felt quite sad taking her home today – it has been so lovely to spend the time with her, not to mention how fabulous it has been to be so well looked after whilst she has been here, although the time went by too quickly! On the plus side though, Michael is due back tomorrow so looking forward to having my hubby home again.

Lunch for 45

Every year, I agree to organise one of the monthly lunches for people living alone that our church puts on and each time I do it, I always seem to end up being on call which makes it a little more stressful. Normally, Michael is around just in case but not this year and although my mum is still around to help out, I was still a bit worried about being called out. Fortunately though the phone stayed quiet and I managed to do a lunch for 45 people with the help of my mum, Michael’s mum and Michael’s aunt.

Cravings

I sometimes get asked if I’ve had any strange cravings so far in my pregnancy – I don’t think I have though (unless you count the duck, banana and lychee curry that I’ve had a couple of times at a local curryhouse!) One thing I have noticed is that I have developed a sweet tooth – I used to be someone who never really wanted dessert and now I absolutely have to have dessert. Particularly if it is ice-cream. Well, the old wives’ tale does say that you crave sweet things when you are expecting a girl. It’s certainly true for me.

Sizing things up

It’s funny how people seem to all have an opinion about what size you should be at various stages of pregnancy. I have been given a whole range of opinions ranging from being told that I look very small for five and a half months to being told that I’m going to be enormous and even being told that I look ‘ready to pop’. Fortunately, I’m fairly happy that Jessica is just the right size that she should be at this stage but I can see why women start worrying about whether their babies are growing at the right pace.

Hoping for a quiet night

I’m hoping that tonight I will get an uninterrupted night’s sleep in my own bed after three nights in a row of being out all night although not sure quite how likely it is given that I still have two women who are waiting for their babies to arrive. It was good to welcome a beautiful baby boy into the world late last night, particularly after he’d decided to take a few days deciding whether he was going to arrive or not! It was also very, very good to finally arrive home to my bed and get some much-needed sleep!

Magical moments

In the last few days, Jessica seems to have got a lot more wriggly. Some of the movements seem to be quite big ones now and I can see my bump moving about when she has a wriggle about which is just lovely. I love being able to have time to sit still and just enjoy the moments when she is moving about and those moments are just so very precious. I feel bad for Michael being away for a couple of weeks because he is missing out on these things at the moment and can’t share them with me.

My wonderful mum

It is so good to have my mum staying with me this week. I love spending time with my mum and living a little further away from my family means that I don’t get to spend quite as much time with them as I would like. Plus as well as being able to enjoy spending time with her, she has been amazing at helping out doing all those little jobs round the house that the baby bump makes it a little more difficult for me to do. It also means that I’m not quite so lonely whilst Michael is away.

Anticipating a busy week

I have a sneaking suspicion that the theme for this week will be ‘sleep deprivation’. With two women now just beyond their due date and a third looking like she is going to have her baby a little earlier than anticipated, it could end up being quite a busy week. Having spent last night with a client in early labour (fortunately did get a little sleep though) and with tonight looking set to be another disturbed night, sleep is not looking high up on my agenda. I love my job but prefer it when things are a little less busy!

Just a lovely day

Despite the fact that it has been raining for most of the day, it has just been a lovely day for spending time with friends and family. My mum has come up to spend a few days with me and keep me company while Michael is away and it has been great to be able to spend so much time with her. We ended up spending the afternoon with my friend Clare who was having a barbecue for her birthday (which still went ahead despite the weather) and then went to visit my cousin Andy and catch up with him.

11th Christian birthday

It is 11 years ago today that I first became a Christian. Before then, I had always believed in God and prayed regularly – my parents having brought me up to believe in God – but the only times I went into a church were for weddings, christenings and funerals. It wasn’t until I went to university and met people who were practising Christians, some of which are now amongst my closest friends, that I started going to church on a Sunday and felt the desire to want to get to know God more closely and build a personal relationship with Him.

Thank you for being a friend

I have to say my friends have been amazing this week. With Michael being away, and given everything else that is going on in our lives, everyone seems to be making sure that I don’t have to sit at home on my own unless I really want to. I have had two friends over for lunch this week, several phone calls catching up with other friends and also been over to my in-laws for dinner. Tomorrow my mum will be coming up to spend a week with me. Thank you everyone for all your support – it is very much appreciated.

Pillow talk

Having now got to the stage where getting myself comfortable and ready to go to sleep involves three extra pillows, it was clear that it was time to finally give in a buy myself a proper pregnancy pillow. I’ve opted for the Dream Genii, or as it’s now become known in our house, the ‘elephant pillow’ – well, with a bit of imagination it does vaguely resemble an elephant’s head with a long trunk. Have to say I have been quite impressed with it so far – am sleeping so much better and on the plus side, the SPD has also improved.

Another writing challenge

Last November I took part in NaNoWriMo – a challenge to write a 50,000 word novel in just 30 days – and succeeded. Yesterday, a friend suggested embarking on a similar challenge for the next few weeks – with a reduced target of 1000 words per day (as opposed to 1667 words per day for NaNoWriMo). It seemed like a fun idea until I was faced with a blank screen this afternoon at the start of the challenge and possibly the worst case of writer’s block I have ever experienced. I must be mad. Somehow I have managed to meet today’s target though.

Footprints

The well-known poem ‘Footprints in the Sand’ ends with the following words:

The LORD replied “My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”


No matter what happens over the coming weeks, I know that Michael and I will not have to face any of it alone. We have wonderful friends and family supporting and praying for us and Jessica and we know that God is holding all of us very tightly right now.

My fabulous friends

I once gave all my close friends a mug each for Christmas with the words ‘Friends are God’s way of looking after us’ painted on them. Over the years, I have felt so blessed to have the friends I have – my friends have been there for me through many ups and downs (and I hope I have been there for them too when they have needed me) and continue to be there – at the end of the phone, providing much needed hugs (real and virtual ones) and support (and sometimes cake!), making me laugh or just being there to listen.

Hubby-away-on-a-business-trip blues

I always feel quite low the first day without Michael when he is away – normally I would count the days until he gets back although time is not something I am anxious to hurry along at the moment. I can have a tendency to stay at home waiting for a phone call to let me know he’s arrived safely, but fortunately, a couple of friends from church decided to drop by for a cuppa this evening and then we ended up going out to a local pub for dinner which was just what I needed to ease the ‘hubby-away-on-a-business-trip blues.’

Last minute rush

Whenever Michael has to go away to work on an event, particularly if it is for longer than a week, the last few days before he has to go are always completely manic. I can guarantee that he will end up staying up all night the night before tying up all the loose ends at work whilst trying to juggle it with being able to spend a little bit of time at home and I run around trying to help as much as I can whilst hoping that my work phone will stay quiet and I won’t get called out.

Middle of the night moments

I am trying so hard at the moment to stay as positive as I can, to enjoy my pregnancy and to treasure the moments when Jessica wriggles. I try not to sink into self-pity or despair – she is still here, there is still hope of a miracle, and there are thousands of people in the world having to deal with worse things. But sometimes I wake in the night and my dread and fear of the journey ahead grips me and the strength that I somehow possess during the day leaves me and I just feel very scared and helpless.

Another day, another scan - part 2

One of the things we did get told at the appointment was that there is a ‘significant risk’ that Jessica’s heart may fail during the pregnancy before I reach term. We had previously been told that ‘most’ babies tolerate the kind of condition she has fairly well during pregnancy but to be told the risk of losing her before birth is ‘significant’ was a shock. I know that her time with us will almost certainly be incredibly brief but I just hope that whatever happens we will get some time with her after birth before she slips away from us.

Another day, another scan - part 1

Had another scan appointment – although we didn’t actually have a scan other than the one I requested to check whether Jessica still appears to be a girl (we are bonding with her as much as we can now – if we discovered at birth that she was a boy it would feel like we had been bonding with a different baby in some ways). Just lots of discussion about the last appointment, arranging the next scan appointment for when Michael returns from LA and considering more about the road ahead. I felt quite overwhelmed with information by the end of it.

Home cooking

There’s just something about sitting down to proper home-cooked dinner. Whenever I make the effort to cook a proper dinner (as opposed to just getting something out the freezer and putting it in the oven or resorting to ready meals), it always leaves me wondering why I don’t do it more often. I could argue that it’s down to not having enough time but it really doesn’t take a lot more time and effort (unless I’m trying to cook something a bit more elaborate) and the end result is so much nicer. The trouble is I’m just too lazy sometimes!

Keeping faith

One of the biggest things that has helped me to keep going through the last few weeks and to stay positive is my faith in God. No matter what happens, I know that my little girl is in God’s hands and there is no safer place for her to be. I know that miracles can and do happen and I will keep praying for one, but I know that whatever happens, God will give us the strength to endure it and His love surrounds us throughout it all.

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)

A beautiful sound

I tend to worry when I don’t feel Jessica move for a while, particularly as she is generally very wriggly. I do try and stay rational, but after a fairly quiet Sunday afternoon at home, it dawned on me that I really hadn’t felt her move for several hours. Ice-cream, cold water and prodding didn’t seem to make any difference and by the time I went to get the Sonicaid, I was in a state of panic. What a relief it was to then hear her heartbeat loud and clear – such a beautiful sound – followed by a cheeky little wriggle.

Not my usual call-out

After a lovely afternoon with my niece, her husband and my two great-nephews, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing evening at home. Michael had been called out to fix a problem at an event but thought he would manage to get home at a reasonable time. These things are always unpredictable, but I didn’t quite anticipate that my Saturday evening would involve me having to drive to the event and bring spare cables and kit with me to help him fix the problem. Still, on the plus side, I got to spend the evening with my hubby.

Little wrigglebottom

Baby Jessica continues to be lovely and wriggly. I can sometimes now see my bump moving with some of the bigger movements which is just amazing. I’m not convinced she likes it when someone listens to her heartbeat with the Sonicaid though as she keeps trying to kick it off! She also seems to like to play hide and seek with her daddy – she’ll be wriggling about lots and then Michael will put his hand on my tummy and she’ll often then stop moving about. Still, at least he has managed to feel her moving about a few times now.

40 winks... or maybe more...

I only had one antenatal visit to do today and so thought I’d have a productive day working from home and catching up with paperwork. Felt a little tired when I got back from my visit so decided to have a ‘quick nap’ before getting going. I must have been more tired than I realised – my ‘quick nap’ ended up being a good 4 hour sleep (usually don’t manage that long in the day even after having been up all night). So much for my productive day, but I did feel an awful lot better for having had the sleep.

Missing the point

Today’s consultant appointment at my local hospital was a bit of an interesting experience. I actually got to see the consultant rather than a registrar but I think he was too busy asking about how independent midwifery worked to pay attention to what he was doing as after looking at my scan report and signing my notes to say he’d checked it (whilst muttering ‘all fine’), he then expressed confusion as to why I had a consultant appointment. He looked somewhat surprised when I pointed out that the scan was not ‘all fine’ – not the best way of instilling confidence.

The joys of commuting

An early-ish meeting this morning meant travelling during rush-hour (being in control of my working hours means I can usually avoid this) so I thought I’d take the train to avoid traffic jams. The ‘baby on board’ badge (combined with bump) worked its magic and ensured I got a seat – all good until the journey home when a signal failure meant that the trains weren’t stopping at my station at all and left me stranded two stations from home having also missed the last bus. Thank goodness for in-laws coming to pick me up. So much for making life easier.

A day of firsts

It’s been a day of firsts. I saw my bump move for the first time when Jessica was being particularly wriggly this morning which was a magical, if somewhat bittersweet, moment. I love feeling her moving about. There are times when I find it so hard to believe that can be so much wrong when she is so very active. I also found my first grey hair this morning. I can’t say it came as much of a surprise given the events of the last couple of weeks – in fact I was mildly surprised that it was just the one.

Facing the journey

We have been told that we are very brave to be making the choice to continue with the pregnancy knowing that the outcome will be so sad. Given that both of us feel so strongly that it is not for us to decide when our daughter’s life ends, this was the only choice we could have made. I don’t feel brave at all. I am scared of what the days ahead will bring. This is not a journey I ever thought I would have to travel and I am just thankful that I will not have to travel it alone.

What's in a name?

Our little Sprout now has a name. We have decided that our daughter will be called Jessica Charlotte. I have read that Jessica means ‘God sees’ and Charlotte can mean ‘feminine’ but can also mean ‘strong’ although different books and websites give slightly different meanings for both. We wanted to find a name that we both liked as a name, but which also had the right kind of meaning. As the vast majority of our time to bond with our baby girl will be before she is born, we needed her to have her own identity as soon as possible.

Devastating news

We had an appointment for another heart scan at Great Ormond Street this afternoon and received further bad news. The complexities of the heart abnormality mean that surgery is extremely unlikely to be successful and the consultant did not advise attempting it. Unless a miracle occurs and the heart situation suddenly improves, our baby will have compassionate care after birth for however long she is with us. We are both devastated by today’s news and will continue to pray for a miracle. In the meantime we will be making the most of every precious moment we still have with her.

In praise of the NHS

Working in private practice, it can be easy to focus on the things that the NHS doesn’t seem to do so well, such as not interfering unnecessarily when things are progressing normally. The last week has made me see the NHS in a whole new perspective – seeing how well it can work when things need to happen. The speed at which referrals have been made and appointments given has been amazing and all the medical staff we have met so far have been sympathetic and caring, making us aware of the support available whilst giving us space to absorb information.

Anxiety

Since last week, I find I become quite anxious when I don’t feel Sprout move for a little while. I have to keep reminding myself that it is normal for babies to have quiet periods and resist the urge to get my Sonicaid out and have a listen in because otherwise I will probably end up listening to her heartbeat every day. Thank goodness the midwife part of my brain is still able to be rational even when the mummy-to-be part starts getting worried. Still, it is such a relief when Sprout decides to start having a good wriggle about!

Back to work

Back at work again after being off trying to get my head around everything last week. Being a midwife is a challenging job anyway but I think it will be harder over the next few weeks. Fortunately, I have three wonderful colleagues who have been covering my workload over the last week and have already started putting back-up plans in place to allow me to have time off as needed over the coming weeks for appointments or if everything just gets a bit too much. It’s good to be back though, even if it is now more of a challenge.

Birthday girls

My birthday has almost crept up on me this year without me noticing it – there has been so much else on my mind. I have received so many lovely ‘happy birthday’ messages via phone, email and online and once again I feel very blessed to know I have so many lovely friends out there. I had a lovely evening being back home with my family – I always try to make sure my twin sister and I can spend time together on our birthday – although unfortunately Michael was working on an event so couldn’t come down with me for the evening.

Chris & Emma's wedding

Had a lovely time celebrating our friends Chris and Emma’s wedding along with some of our close friends from university. It was a lovely day, the wedding venue was a beautiful stately home, Chris and Emma were both obviously so happy and the rain held off at all the key moments when everyone was outside and the sun came out a few times so that was good. It was also nice to have a happy event to help take our minds off our worries about Sprout and we also felt more able to talk about her which helped as well.

The elephant in the room

We had dinner with some close friends whom we hadn’t seen since before I became pregnant. Since my baby bump became a little more obvious, we’d gotten used to friends commenting on it and asking about our baby. Now my baby bump has become the elephant in the room, which makes me very sad. Instead of something to be excited about, it has become a topic to be avoided unless Michael and I bring it up ourselves. I understand why this is so and know that our friends care and just can’t find the words, but it still saddens me.

Faith

One of my friends sent me this Bible verse in her message:

“My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.” (Psalm 62:7)

It is times like this when I realise that God really is my mighty rock and refuge. I know that He is always there and will somehow give me the strength and hope to get through the days ahead. I honestly don’t know how I could cope with everything at the moment without the knowledge that God is there, supporting us and guiding us along the dark and scary road ahead.

Still in shock

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. We have received so many kind messages of support and to know so many people care about and are praying for our little girl really does help. We are still very much in shock – I keep wanting to wake up and find that all of this has just been a horrible dream whilst trying to find the strength to accept reality and keep going. Everything has been turned completely upside-down and we don’t really know what to do any more other than to just take everything minute by minute.

Please pray for our baby - part 5

Obviously we are both devastated by the news - my mum has come up to be with us and Michael's parents have been wonderful. We are trying to take each day as it comes but we know we have a very dark and difficult journey ahead of us and are praying very, very hard for the best possible outcome for our little girl. Please can you keep us in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. I know that it is hard to find words that can help, but the support of our family and friends means a lot.

Please pray for our baby - part 4

We hadn't planned to find out the gender but after this felt very strongly that we needed to know in order to bond with our baby as much as we can right now. On scan it looks like we are expecting a girl, currently still nicknamed Sprout but we will be giving her a name very soon. She is very wriggly at the moment and we are looking on each day that we can have with her as a huge blessing. We will continue to have repeated heart scans throughout the pregnancy to keep an eye on how things develop.

Please pray for our baby - part 3

All of this assumes that surgery is a viable option but the holes in the heart are giving particular cause for concern. They are likely to shrink or close and if they do then surgery may not be an option and we need to discuss this with the surgical team. If this is the case, then we have been told that our baby may survive a few days or weeks at the very most. We have declined the option of a termination – our baby is in God’s hands and we want to give her every possible chance that we can.

Please pray for our baby - part 2

We have been told that most babies are able to tolerate this type of condition during pregnancy and survive through birth. If they are born at term, then surgery may be an option. This would involve having three separate operations – one shortly after birth, one at 3-6 months and another around 2-4 years. We have been told that there is a 50% chance of a child making it through these to age 5. If they make it to age 5, there is a good chance of living to 15 and possibly into the 20s but after that it is unknown.

Please pray for our baby - part 1

Michael and I went for our anomaly scan yesterday and whilst it was lovely to see our little Sprout once again, we have received heartbreaking news. Our precious little one has some significant heart abnormalities. We were referred for a more detailed heart scan at the John Radcliffe which thankfully we were also able to do yesterday and have had it confirmed that there are several defects – it is all quite complicated, but basically the left side of the heart is underdeveloped due to a missing heart valve, there are two holes in the heart and narrowing of the aorta.

Royal wedding

Having said for the last few weeks that I was bored of hearing about the royal wedding, it was quite a surprise to wake up this morning and actually wish I had gone into central London to soak up the atmosphere of it all. Michael was certainly surprised by my complete change of opinion – but with all the excitement on the TV and radio, it just made me think about how happy I was on my own wedding morning and suddenly there I was feeling excited and happy for the royal couple and wanting to watch it all on TV.

Church craft club

One of the things I love about the craft group at my church is the chance just to sit down for a couple of hours with a cup of tea and be sociable with the other ladies from church. It is just so relaxing to sit and work on a craft project whilst chatting away and know that if you get a bit stuck on something, there is always someone else there who can help you out. Plus there’s also the opportunity to try and learn different craft techniques as everyone has different skills that they bring to the group.

Another evening with friends

We seem to be doing quite a lot of socialising with friends and family at the moment which is great. Tonight we were out for a meal at the local all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet to celebrate a friend’s birthday. I love all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurants – unlimited amounts of crispy duck pancakes – yummy! Although these days, the amount of Chinese food I can eat has reduced somewhat so I can’t quite take as much advantage of it as I used to. But even if I had to ease off on the duck pancakes, it was still good to spend an evening with friends.

Olympic ticket application grumbles

It’s been a bit last minute, but we have put in our application for Olympic Games tickets. I can’t say I’m impressed with the application system. We’ve applied for more tickets than we want (on the basis that we’re unlikely to get them all) but whilst the payment for any tickets we’ve managed to get will be taken between 10 May and 10 June, we may not actually find out what we’ve got until 24 June, so we have to assume we will have to pay for them all (ouch!) Plus you can only pay by Visa which is annoying.

The joys of the 4-day weekend

Weekends always seem to go by so fast – particularly as it often seems that either Michael or I end up working for part of the weekend and then there seems to be very little time left to try and tackle things around the house. For once though, both of us had managed to keep the whole of the Easter weekend fairly free which meant not only did we manage to move forward on the various tasks we had planned, but we also managed to have plenty of time to relax, spend time with friends and family and enjoy the break.

Kevin's 50th birthday party

Another beautiful day and another family gathering – this time we were heading off to spend the evening with my family and celebrate my big brother Kevin’s 50th birthday. Unfortunately one of my brothers was unable to make it to the party which was a shame because otherwise we would have managed to get all nine of us together (which doesn’t happen very often – the last time was my dad’s funeral so would have been nice to get together for a happier occasion) but I got to catch up with my other siblings and a few of my nephews and nieces.

Family barbecue

The beautiful Bank Holiday weather provided the perfect excuse to have a family barbecue and an afternoon with Michael’s parents, aunt, cousin and her baby twins Seren and Siân, who are now eight months old and starting to crawl and take a lot more interest in everything that is going on around them (hair and sunglasses seem to be quite appealing!) I find it particularly interesting to watch how Michael’s family interact with small children (the twins are the first babies in 30 years) especially now that there will be another addition to the family in a few months’ time!

CTU walk of witness

I usually end up working on Good Friday but for once this year, I had the day free and so was able to go on the local Churches Together Walk of Witness. It was a beautiful sunny morning and around 200 people from various churches across the town took part in the walk. We walked through the town centre, carrying a cross, and stopping at various points in the town to read extracts from the Easter story, to pray for people in the town and local area and to sing songs relating to the events of the first Good Friday.

Mini midwife in the making?

Antenatal visits when there are older siblings are just magical sometimes, particularly when the older child is around the age of 2 or 3. They generally are quite fascinated by everything that is going on. It is so funny when I have just listened to the baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler and then the older sibling lies down and lifts up their top wanting me to listen to their tummy too! My niece Ebony used to pick up my Pinards stethoscope and put it against my sister’s bump to try and listen to the baby’s heartbeat before Erin was born.

SPD

A trip to the chiropractor today has confirmed what I already suspected – I have got SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) and therefore have been advised to give up tap dancing as this is likely to make it worse. I had hoped to continue with tap for a bit longer but I also know how disabling SPD can be when it is severe. Hopefully by getting it picked up early, I can stop it getting much worse later on. On the plus side, other things to avoid include hoovering – looks like my lovely hubby is going to have to do it instead!

Happy birthday, Erin!

My beautiful niece Erin is five years old today. I can hardly believe that five years have passed since I was there to welcome her into the world – having had the joy of being my twin sister’s midwife when Erin was born. Seeing a baby enter the world is always a miracle, but it is extra special when it is part of your family. I have been lucky enough to be there for the births of two of my nieces – I was also a birth partner for my twin sister when her first daughter Ebony was born. Happy birthday, Erin!

Tap exam results

Tap exam results are now in and I am pleased to report that I managed a score of 84 which I’m very happy about. Our new routines involve lots of stamps and drops which have made me realise why tap is considered ‘high impact’ exercise – I had to stop a few minutes before the end of the last class because my ligaments were really starting to ache. The advice I read about stopping at 16 weeks no longer seems so silly – am still planning to continue for a while longer but suspect I will be stopping sooner rather than later.

Team Floppy Throttle - less than 2 weeks to go

There are now just under two weeks to go until the 2011 Scumrun gets underway. My niece’s husband Chris and his friend Gareth will be taking part as ‘Team Floppy Throttle’, driving approximately 3000 miles across Europe in 4 days in ‘Juliette’, a 1994 Ford Escort purple cabriolet. They are raising money for Dreams Come True, a charity which works with terminally ill and seriously ill children, and are aiming to raise £1000 (so far they have raised £625). Further details are available from their blog (which is well worth a read) and any donations would be very much appreciated.

Musical tastes

The modern day version of the freak show is back on our screens – yes, Britain’s Got Talent is proving once again that for every person with genuine talent, there are a dozen others who are either deluded or just desperate for five minutes of fame. Still, it did give rise to a magical moment when I felt definite kicking from Sprout for the first time. I was slightly concerned that it was during the handbell accompaniment to ‘My Heart Will Go On’. Hopefully this isn’t a sign of appreciation for Celine Dion songs. Maybe Sprout’s musical education should start now…