Footprints

The well-known poem ‘Footprints in the Sand’ ends with the following words:

The LORD replied “My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”


No matter what happens over the coming weeks, I know that Michael and I will not have to face any of it alone. We have wonderful friends and family supporting and praying for us and Jessica and we know that God is holding all of us very tightly right now.

My fabulous friends

I once gave all my close friends a mug each for Christmas with the words ‘Friends are God’s way of looking after us’ painted on them. Over the years, I have felt so blessed to have the friends I have – my friends have been there for me through many ups and downs (and I hope I have been there for them too when they have needed me) and continue to be there – at the end of the phone, providing much needed hugs (real and virtual ones) and support (and sometimes cake!), making me laugh or just being there to listen.

Hubby-away-on-a-business-trip blues

I always feel quite low the first day without Michael when he is away – normally I would count the days until he gets back although time is not something I am anxious to hurry along at the moment. I can have a tendency to stay at home waiting for a phone call to let me know he’s arrived safely, but fortunately, a couple of friends from church decided to drop by for a cuppa this evening and then we ended up going out to a local pub for dinner which was just what I needed to ease the ‘hubby-away-on-a-business-trip blues.’

Last minute rush

Whenever Michael has to go away to work on an event, particularly if it is for longer than a week, the last few days before he has to go are always completely manic. I can guarantee that he will end up staying up all night the night before tying up all the loose ends at work whilst trying to juggle it with being able to spend a little bit of time at home and I run around trying to help as much as I can whilst hoping that my work phone will stay quiet and I won’t get called out.

Middle of the night moments

I am trying so hard at the moment to stay as positive as I can, to enjoy my pregnancy and to treasure the moments when Jessica wriggles. I try not to sink into self-pity or despair – she is still here, there is still hope of a miracle, and there are thousands of people in the world having to deal with worse things. But sometimes I wake in the night and my dread and fear of the journey ahead grips me and the strength that I somehow possess during the day leaves me and I just feel very scared and helpless.

Another day, another scan - part 2

One of the things we did get told at the appointment was that there is a ‘significant risk’ that Jessica’s heart may fail during the pregnancy before I reach term. We had previously been told that ‘most’ babies tolerate the kind of condition she has fairly well during pregnancy but to be told the risk of losing her before birth is ‘significant’ was a shock. I know that her time with us will almost certainly be incredibly brief but I just hope that whatever happens we will get some time with her after birth before she slips away from us.

Another day, another scan - part 1

Had another scan appointment – although we didn’t actually have a scan other than the one I requested to check whether Jessica still appears to be a girl (we are bonding with her as much as we can now – if we discovered at birth that she was a boy it would feel like we had been bonding with a different baby in some ways). Just lots of discussion about the last appointment, arranging the next scan appointment for when Michael returns from LA and considering more about the road ahead. I felt quite overwhelmed with information by the end of it.

Home cooking

There’s just something about sitting down to proper home-cooked dinner. Whenever I make the effort to cook a proper dinner (as opposed to just getting something out the freezer and putting it in the oven or resorting to ready meals), it always leaves me wondering why I don’t do it more often. I could argue that it’s down to not having enough time but it really doesn’t take a lot more time and effort (unless I’m trying to cook something a bit more elaborate) and the end result is so much nicer. The trouble is I’m just too lazy sometimes!

Keeping faith

One of the biggest things that has helped me to keep going through the last few weeks and to stay positive is my faith in God. No matter what happens, I know that my little girl is in God’s hands and there is no safer place for her to be. I know that miracles can and do happen and I will keep praying for one, but I know that whatever happens, God will give us the strength to endure it and His love surrounds us throughout it all.

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)

A beautiful sound

I tend to worry when I don’t feel Jessica move for a while, particularly as she is generally very wriggly. I do try and stay rational, but after a fairly quiet Sunday afternoon at home, it dawned on me that I really hadn’t felt her move for several hours. Ice-cream, cold water and prodding didn’t seem to make any difference and by the time I went to get the Sonicaid, I was in a state of panic. What a relief it was to then hear her heartbeat loud and clear – such a beautiful sound – followed by a cheeky little wriggle.

Not my usual call-out

After a lovely afternoon with my niece, her husband and my two great-nephews, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing evening at home. Michael had been called out to fix a problem at an event but thought he would manage to get home at a reasonable time. These things are always unpredictable, but I didn’t quite anticipate that my Saturday evening would involve me having to drive to the event and bring spare cables and kit with me to help him fix the problem. Still, on the plus side, I got to spend the evening with my hubby.

Little wrigglebottom

Baby Jessica continues to be lovely and wriggly. I can sometimes now see my bump moving with some of the bigger movements which is just amazing. I’m not convinced she likes it when someone listens to her heartbeat with the Sonicaid though as she keeps trying to kick it off! She also seems to like to play hide and seek with her daddy – she’ll be wriggling about lots and then Michael will put his hand on my tummy and she’ll often then stop moving about. Still, at least he has managed to feel her moving about a few times now.

40 winks... or maybe more...

I only had one antenatal visit to do today and so thought I’d have a productive day working from home and catching up with paperwork. Felt a little tired when I got back from my visit so decided to have a ‘quick nap’ before getting going. I must have been more tired than I realised – my ‘quick nap’ ended up being a good 4 hour sleep (usually don’t manage that long in the day even after having been up all night). So much for my productive day, but I did feel an awful lot better for having had the sleep.

Missing the point

Today’s consultant appointment at my local hospital was a bit of an interesting experience. I actually got to see the consultant rather than a registrar but I think he was too busy asking about how independent midwifery worked to pay attention to what he was doing as after looking at my scan report and signing my notes to say he’d checked it (whilst muttering ‘all fine’), he then expressed confusion as to why I had a consultant appointment. He looked somewhat surprised when I pointed out that the scan was not ‘all fine’ – not the best way of instilling confidence.

The joys of commuting

An early-ish meeting this morning meant travelling during rush-hour (being in control of my working hours means I can usually avoid this) so I thought I’d take the train to avoid traffic jams. The ‘baby on board’ badge (combined with bump) worked its magic and ensured I got a seat – all good until the journey home when a signal failure meant that the trains weren’t stopping at my station at all and left me stranded two stations from home having also missed the last bus. Thank goodness for in-laws coming to pick me up. So much for making life easier.

A day of firsts

It’s been a day of firsts. I saw my bump move for the first time when Jessica was being particularly wriggly this morning which was a magical, if somewhat bittersweet, moment. I love feeling her moving about. There are times when I find it so hard to believe that can be so much wrong when she is so very active. I also found my first grey hair this morning. I can’t say it came as much of a surprise given the events of the last couple of weeks – in fact I was mildly surprised that it was just the one.

Facing the journey

We have been told that we are very brave to be making the choice to continue with the pregnancy knowing that the outcome will be so sad. Given that both of us feel so strongly that it is not for us to decide when our daughter’s life ends, this was the only choice we could have made. I don’t feel brave at all. I am scared of what the days ahead will bring. This is not a journey I ever thought I would have to travel and I am just thankful that I will not have to travel it alone.

What's in a name?

Our little Sprout now has a name. We have decided that our daughter will be called Jessica Charlotte. I have read that Jessica means ‘God sees’ and Charlotte can mean ‘feminine’ but can also mean ‘strong’ although different books and websites give slightly different meanings for both. We wanted to find a name that we both liked as a name, but which also had the right kind of meaning. As the vast majority of our time to bond with our baby girl will be before she is born, we needed her to have her own identity as soon as possible.

Devastating news

We had an appointment for another heart scan at Great Ormond Street this afternoon and received further bad news. The complexities of the heart abnormality mean that surgery is extremely unlikely to be successful and the consultant did not advise attempting it. Unless a miracle occurs and the heart situation suddenly improves, our baby will have compassionate care after birth for however long she is with us. We are both devastated by today’s news and will continue to pray for a miracle. In the meantime we will be making the most of every precious moment we still have with her.

In praise of the NHS

Working in private practice, it can be easy to focus on the things that the NHS doesn’t seem to do so well, such as not interfering unnecessarily when things are progressing normally. The last week has made me see the NHS in a whole new perspective – seeing how well it can work when things need to happen. The speed at which referrals have been made and appointments given has been amazing and all the medical staff we have met so far have been sympathetic and caring, making us aware of the support available whilst giving us space to absorb information.

Anxiety

Since last week, I find I become quite anxious when I don’t feel Sprout move for a little while. I have to keep reminding myself that it is normal for babies to have quiet periods and resist the urge to get my Sonicaid out and have a listen in because otherwise I will probably end up listening to her heartbeat every day. Thank goodness the midwife part of my brain is still able to be rational even when the mummy-to-be part starts getting worried. Still, it is such a relief when Sprout decides to start having a good wriggle about!

Back to work

Back at work again after being off trying to get my head around everything last week. Being a midwife is a challenging job anyway but I think it will be harder over the next few weeks. Fortunately, I have three wonderful colleagues who have been covering my workload over the last week and have already started putting back-up plans in place to allow me to have time off as needed over the coming weeks for appointments or if everything just gets a bit too much. It’s good to be back though, even if it is now more of a challenge.

Birthday girls

My birthday has almost crept up on me this year without me noticing it – there has been so much else on my mind. I have received so many lovely ‘happy birthday’ messages via phone, email and online and once again I feel very blessed to know I have so many lovely friends out there. I had a lovely evening being back home with my family – I always try to make sure my twin sister and I can spend time together on our birthday – although unfortunately Michael was working on an event so couldn’t come down with me for the evening.

Chris & Emma's wedding

Had a lovely time celebrating our friends Chris and Emma’s wedding along with some of our close friends from university. It was a lovely day, the wedding venue was a beautiful stately home, Chris and Emma were both obviously so happy and the rain held off at all the key moments when everyone was outside and the sun came out a few times so that was good. It was also nice to have a happy event to help take our minds off our worries about Sprout and we also felt more able to talk about her which helped as well.

The elephant in the room

We had dinner with some close friends whom we hadn’t seen since before I became pregnant. Since my baby bump became a little more obvious, we’d gotten used to friends commenting on it and asking about our baby. Now my baby bump has become the elephant in the room, which makes me very sad. Instead of something to be excited about, it has become a topic to be avoided unless Michael and I bring it up ourselves. I understand why this is so and know that our friends care and just can’t find the words, but it still saddens me.

Faith

One of my friends sent me this Bible verse in her message:

“My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.” (Psalm 62:7)

It is times like this when I realise that God really is my mighty rock and refuge. I know that He is always there and will somehow give me the strength and hope to get through the days ahead. I honestly don’t know how I could cope with everything at the moment without the knowledge that God is there, supporting us and guiding us along the dark and scary road ahead.

Still in shock

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. We have received so many kind messages of support and to know so many people care about and are praying for our little girl really does help. We are still very much in shock – I keep wanting to wake up and find that all of this has just been a horrible dream whilst trying to find the strength to accept reality and keep going. Everything has been turned completely upside-down and we don’t really know what to do any more other than to just take everything minute by minute.

Please pray for our baby - part 5

Obviously we are both devastated by the news - my mum has come up to be with us and Michael's parents have been wonderful. We are trying to take each day as it comes but we know we have a very dark and difficult journey ahead of us and are praying very, very hard for the best possible outcome for our little girl. Please can you keep us in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. I know that it is hard to find words that can help, but the support of our family and friends means a lot.

Please pray for our baby - part 4

We hadn't planned to find out the gender but after this felt very strongly that we needed to know in order to bond with our baby as much as we can right now. On scan it looks like we are expecting a girl, currently still nicknamed Sprout but we will be giving her a name very soon. She is very wriggly at the moment and we are looking on each day that we can have with her as a huge blessing. We will continue to have repeated heart scans throughout the pregnancy to keep an eye on how things develop.

Please pray for our baby - part 3

All of this assumes that surgery is a viable option but the holes in the heart are giving particular cause for concern. They are likely to shrink or close and if they do then surgery may not be an option and we need to discuss this with the surgical team. If this is the case, then we have been told that our baby may survive a few days or weeks at the very most. We have declined the option of a termination – our baby is in God’s hands and we want to give her every possible chance that we can.

Please pray for our baby - part 2

We have been told that most babies are able to tolerate this type of condition during pregnancy and survive through birth. If they are born at term, then surgery may be an option. This would involve having three separate operations – one shortly after birth, one at 3-6 months and another around 2-4 years. We have been told that there is a 50% chance of a child making it through these to age 5. If they make it to age 5, there is a good chance of living to 15 and possibly into the 20s but after that it is unknown.

Please pray for our baby - part 1

Michael and I went for our anomaly scan yesterday and whilst it was lovely to see our little Sprout once again, we have received heartbreaking news. Our precious little one has some significant heart abnormalities. We were referred for a more detailed heart scan at the John Radcliffe which thankfully we were also able to do yesterday and have had it confirmed that there are several defects – it is all quite complicated, but basically the left side of the heart is underdeveloped due to a missing heart valve, there are two holes in the heart and narrowing of the aorta.