Spring-cleaning for the soul

I was recently advised to remove the dam from my emotions and embrace my feisty, dramatic personality. The weeks that have followed that advice have been some of the most extreme on the emotional rollercoaster that I have ever known. They have also been some of the most liberating. I have learnt an awful lot about myself in the past few weeks, about my tendency to hold painful memories close and allow their poison to affect my day to day life. I am finally starting to take those thoughts and feelings to God and allow the healing process to begin.

A farewell to Colin

Yesterday was Colin’s funeral and I went along to pay my respects and say a final farewell. The crematorium was absolutely packed – there must have been about 200 people there and we couldn’t all fit in the chapel – there were people packed into the entrance and outside. So many people there to pay their respects, so many people who had thought highly of him – he was such a character, so funny and friendly. It was a very musical service with lots of singing, which was very appropriate for someone who had been involved in musical theatre for so many years.

The first step towards reconciliation

Since my dad died, my relationship with my in-laws has become increasingly strained. Unresolved hurts and anger have simmered below the surface and I have found it almost impossible to forgive perceived wrongs and move forward. Instead of talking, I have pushed them further away and become increasingly hostile; instead of trying to resolve and heal the hurts, I have pushed them under the surface and allowed them to erupt in digs and angry words. I have behaved badly, I admit. Today I have taken a step towards resolution and invited them for Sunday dinner and a chance to talk.

Being crafty

Every so often, we have craft sessions being run at church. Over the last few years, I have learnt a couple of techniques for making cards and various beading techniques for making jewellery. Other sessions which have been run include lace making, glass painting, wood turning and flower arranging. I managed to go along to another craft session this afternoon which is using crazy patchwork and embroidery to make a bag. I’ve got as far as sewing the patches on, just need to do the embroidery now and then next month there’s another session showing how to finish the bag.

Perfect moments

Sometimes life’s perfect moments involve some of life’s simplest pleasures. An unexpected evening spent with my husband, sitting on the lounge floor in front of a roaring fire, eating pizza whilst watching TV together. Not necessarily feeling the need for conversation, but just enjoying being with each other and relaxing in each other’s company. Or an afternoon spent playing games with my nieces, crawling around on the floor pretending to be monsters and making them giggle. Most of life’s perfect moments involve spending time with people that you love – family, close friends and partners. Thank you, God, for loved ones.

Good intentions

I seem to be very good at the moment at having good intentions and very poor at actually carrying any of them out. There are several things that I am really struggling with at the moment and when I’m not doing those things, or spending time with the people that I’m finding it hard to get along with, I make resolutions to try harder, to make the right choices, and not say all the wrong things. Right up until about 5 minutes before I encounter the situation again and then my good intentions seem to fly out of the window.

A challenging choice

“Unforgiveness is like a parasite, feeding upon us and growing stronger as it allowed to thrive” (paraphrased from The Marriage Book).

As I read these words this morning, I realised again that the hurt and anger that feels locked in my heart, the patterns of behaviour and downward spirals that feel like a recurring nightmare have a lot to do with my inability and unwillingness to forgiveness. Once again, I am reminded that forgiveness is a choice. It’s a choice I don’t have to make alone – I have to remember that God is there to help me along the way.

Being thankful for twinnies!

Sometimes there are times when you just need to have a good cry down the phone to someone who will listen and make you feel a million times better by the end of the phone call. Sometimes a close friend can be a good person to call, other times you just need your family. My twin sister is the most amazing listener, I can just tell her what’s on my mind and know that she will always be there for me no matter what. The only downside is the phone bill – we can never manage to keep our calls short!

Unexpected dramas

A lovely evening planned. No babies due, we’re catching up with a friend who lives some distance away whom we haven’t seen for a while. Dinner is in the over and smells delicious, hubby is playing with his model helicopters, Neil and I are about to play Mario Kart. And then my pager goes off – a postnatal client with a suspected DVT – and suddenly we’re rushing out the door with a hastily made sandwich and Michael has to wait for me at work whilst I go to A&E. It was the right call – thank goodness – DVT caught and being treated.

The challenges of married life

Seven months in and Michael and I are rapidly discovering that marriage actually does involve a lot of hard work. We didn’t start our married life thinking that we’d live happily ever after without any effort required but we didn’t realise that our expectations would change as much as they have, or anticipate what a strain the effects of bereavement can be. We are learning that communication really is the key – again, it has been a surprise to discover that something we thought we were both very good at is not always as easy as we expect it to be.

Traffic trials and tribulations

Half-term usually means that the roads are much quieter and my journey into work takes less time. Unfortunately, I haven’t felt any of the benefits of it being half-term this week because most of my main routes into work seem to be clogged up with road works and so it has actually been taking me even longer than usual to get to work. Which is all very frustrating. Still, on rainy days like today, I try to be thankful for the fact that it is warm and dry inside the car, and I’m getting much better at resisting road rage.

Late casting

With just a month to go until opening night of Fiddler on the Roof, we have finally found someone to play the part of the Constable. It’s only a small part, but things were beginning to look a bit desperate with people reading in the part each week so it’s good that it is now finally filled and even better that the person taking on the role seems to have a reasonable amount of acting ability (I think the director would have been happy to have taken on a talking chimp in the role as long as it was filled!)

Pancakes

It’s the one day in the year that the urge to eat nothing but pancakes all day becomes somewhat overwhelming. I don’t think I ever eat pancakes any other time, unless you count the occasional crêpe when holidaying in France. I’m usually a bit of a boring lemon-juice-and-sugar person, occasionally being a bit more daring and going for Nutella, crème de marrons or maple syrup instead but an evening of pancake-making with a few people from church this evening has opened my eyes to new choices of filling – marmalade and mascarpone, peaches and crème fraîche, bananas and toffee sauce, mmm…

Lightening the load

Most people carry some amount of emotional baggage around with them from day to day. Some are blessed with ability to travel fairly light on their journey through life, freely discarding the thoughts and memories which weigh them down. Others are weighed down by an ever-increasing amount. Sometimes when we start to unpack our baggage, we are surprised by what we find there. Guilt-laden memories, decades-old hurts, failed relationships, past regrets, those words that we feel should have remained unsaid. We struggle to forgive ourselves and then remain unable to forgive others in turn. It’s time to lighten the load.

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is a load of old tosh – an excuse for card companies to boost their profits and restaurants and florists to over-charge. It is easy to “show you care” with a bunch of over-priced roses and a sentimental card but often it is very hard to actually love. It is easy to become blinded by hurt and anger; setting aside those things, forgiving perceived wrongs and reaching out to others can be so difficult sometimes. Now if only we could have a day of being able to truly love each other, that would be a Valentine’s Day worth having.

Slightly sleep deprived

It’s been a busy 24 hours – welcoming another lovely baby into the world and so once again I am feeling a little sleep-deprived. I’m not always very good at catching up on sleep during the day and as always have a tendency to burn the candle at both ends and try and carry on with normal life on next to no sleep which can make me a little fractious by the time the evening comes (at which point, my husband starts to tell me repeatedly to go take a nap!) Fingers crossed for a good night’s sleep tonight to recharge.

RIP Colin

It was a shock to hear via Facebook yesterday that Colin, one of the leading lights of the am-dram society I used to belong to, had passed away. From what I’ve read, it sounded as if it was very sudden and unexpected – he was performing in “A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum” only a couple of weeks ago. He was certainly one of the real characters within the society – always laughing, always joking, someone who would always try and cheer you up if you were feeling down – one of the nicest people I have ever met.

The joys of nights off

I love my job, but being on call with babies due imminently means not really being able to relax completely. When I’m on call, I’m tied to staying within a certain area which means that I can’t go and visit family and friends if they don’t live nearby and planning to spend time with people always has the caveat “babies permitting”. And occasionally a large glass of wine seems very tempting! Nights off are lovely – being able to go out for dinner with my hubby knowing we will be able to spend the whole evening together is sheer bliss sometimes!

Pre-show blues

Usually I find early rehearsals for a show a bit tedious and then as the show gets nearer and nearer, I get more into rehearsals and really start enjoying it. This time, I seem to be finding it harder and harder to find any enthusiasm at all for rehearsals as show week approaches; in fact I’m becoming less enthusiastic by the week. It’s been a long time since I’ve done a show I’ve really not enjoyed and I’m beginning to wonder if I can really grit my teeth and keep going until show week. Too late to quit now though...

Difficult choices

Reading this blog post this morning was a timely reminder that forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice. If I wait until I feel ready to forgive someone, then I will never do it. It’s not an easy choice though, and I often find it far easier to choose to anger, resentment, bitterness and bearing grudges particularly as choosing to forgive is not a one-off choice. It’s a choice that I have to make time and time again. Why is it when I have been forgiven for so much, I find it hard to forgive for so little?

Different points of view

We were discussing different views on God in Junior Church yesterday. I like to use the analogy of the blind men and an elephant when talking about this: one man feels the trunk and says “an elephant is like a snake”, the second feels the leg and says “an elephant is like a tree” whilst the third feels the tail and says “an elephant is like a rope”. All of them are right, but none of them really knows what an elephant is like. We all have a different view of God but none of us sees the complete picture.

Hubby's shopping list

Next week should be interesting food-wise after hubby returned with the following:

9 x cartons/bottles milkshake
6 x packs instant noodles
5 x packs of sweets
5 x pouches microwaveable special fried rice
5 x bottles squash
4 x pies
3 x tins spaghetti & sausages
2 x packs beef jerky (revolting stuff, does anyone eat it?)
2 x pizzas
2 x packs fresh pasta
2 x packs bacon
Ice-cream
Eggs
Bread
Milk
Flowers

Plus points – bread and milk
Minus points – no fruit or veg
Bonus points – flowers

I really should send him out with a shopping list in future…

Sending hubby shopping

I’m feeling slightly better today but decided that it would probably not be a good idea to head off to the supermarket to share my bugs with everyone else and so have sent Michael out to do the food shopping. Sending Michael shopping is almost the equivalent of doing the shopping online whilst wearing a blindfold and just clicking randomly on items – i.e. I have no idea what he’s actually going to come home with, or whether we’ll be able to create any sensible meals out of it. We could be living on chocolate and chorizo for the next week…

Off sick again!

Up until December, I’d only had two days off sick in the four years I’d been in my current job. In the last eight weeks, I have been off sick three times as well as having time off on compassionate leave. It seems that my immunity has been completely shot to pieces ever since my dad died and I seem to be picking up every bug that is going around. I’m getting a bit bored of coming down with things and feeling rubbish this winter. Can I have my normal immunity back please so I can get on with life?

Final farewells

Today I said my final farewells to my daddy as his ashes were interred in the churchyard in my home town. It was a small private service – just family members – led by the vicar who had previously christened my two nieces and married my twin sister and brother-in-law. We used to live opposite the church and the churchyard was where Kerrie and I would play as children so it seemed a very appropriate choice for Dad’s final resting place. It was a lovely service and good to have that moment with just my close family to say our last goodbyes.

Wedding DVD - take 2

The second proof copy of our wedding DVD arrived in the post this morning. The original DVD was fine but Michael had done a sound recording in the church which had a more balanced sound on the hymns (and reduced the impact of one particularly out-of-tune singer) so wanted the soundtrack replaced on the hymns. The soundtrack is now perfect but there’s a new error on the reception montage sequence – a brief second of black screen with “please insert clip”. Looks like another edit will be needed before we can finally give the thumbs up and get the final copies.

Count your blessings

At church last Sunday we sang some old Sunday school choruses, most of which I was familiar with thanks to my mum singing them to me when I was a little girl. One of the ones we sang was “Count your blessings” and so here are some of the things that I am thankful for today:

1) Hugs from my husband.
2) Going out for a curry and spending time with friends.
3) A productive afternoon in the office.
4) Having heating and hot water
5) Having time to sit down with a good book and a cup of tea

Warming up

Social networking definitely has its plus points. After mentioning the fact that we were minus heating and hot water on Facebook, I was sent a message by a friend whose dad is a heating engineer and lives locally. It sounded like a much better option than picking someone at random from the Yellow Pages and a quick phone call to the lovely Bernie this morning has resulted in our boiler now being up and running and we now have heating and hot water. Just need to defrost - home temperature was down to 9.5˚C so it has been quite chilly!