2009: the highs

Looking back over 2009, the good points are summarised as follows:
• Our amazing wedding day back in July – definitely the high point of the year!
• Lots of other weddings (5 all together) – being a bridesmaid at 2 of them.
• 2 new great-nephews (Jake and Steven) and 1 new nephew (Jayden).
• Fabulous honeymoon in Switzerland – enjoying basking in the sunshine and then playing in the snow all in the same week.
• Holiday in Malta where I finally seem to have conquered my fear of flying.
• Playing Laurey in Oklahoma! back in March
• Reducing my caseload and becoming more office-based at work.

2009: the lows

2009 is drawing to a close. It has been quite a mixed year for me – bringing some of the happiest moments of my life as well as the saddest. Looking back over the year, in some ways it is hard to see past the sadness of the last month, having to say goodbye to my lovely dad. Trying to adjust to life without Dad around and accept that he has gone has been incredibly hard, and there are moments when it doesn’t seem real and life carries on as normal and then moments when it hits me all over again.

Return of the cleaning monster

Am feeling much better again which is good, although feeling better brought with it an increasing awareness that the flat had been looking decidedly untidy for a few days. Michael had been enjoying a couple of days of being able to make a mess without being nagged about tidying up afterwards but of course, it couldn’t possibly last and he did at least try and do some tidying this morning in an effort to ward off the Cleaning Monster (an difficult task at the best of times). The flat now looks lovely and clean and domestic harmony reigns once again.

Introduces baby Jayden

The stork has brought the third and final family baby of 2009 – my new nephew Jayden Shay who was born yesterday evening weighing in at 7lb 3oz. His arrival means that my brother Peter and sister-in-law Sam now have their own potential future five-a-side football team plus a cheerleader (they now have five boys and a girl). I suspect it will be a few days before I get the chance to meet him (swine flu is not something I want to pass on to a newborn) and haven’t seen a photo yet but hopefully will get to see him soon.

Swine flu

Having spent most of the Christmas period feeling decidedly under the weather, it appears that I have come down with swine flu (according to the National Flu Pandemic website anyway). So having had a fair amount of time off this month on compassionate leave and been due to be back at work today, I’m now off sick for a few days which is lousy timing and even though it can’t be helped, I do feel bad that the rest of the team have to cover me yet again. Plus I have to miss tomorrow’s Chinese meal with some university friends.

Boxing Day

Having spent Christmas Day with my family, we have been spending Boxing Day with Michael’s parents – a much more sedate experience due to a considerably smaller family and no children being around! I have to confess that I prefer spending Christmas Day with my family as I like to be around the children and see their excitement but there are no such expectations on my part on Boxing Day and so it has been a pleasant, if quiet, day, mostly spent watching old films on TV and starting my next hooked rug project (one of my Christmas presents from Michael).

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Christmas is just that little bit more magical when seen through a child’s eyes which why I love spending Christmas Day with my nieces. Seeing their excitement each time they open a present is just wonderful. Once the presents are opened, the adults spend half the afternoon trying to assemble various toys (whilst wishing that the diagrams in the instructions bore some resemblance to the pieces in front of them!) It’s been a fairly merry Christmas after all – we have all missed Dad terribly this year but have done our best to enjoy the day as he would have wanted.

Carols round the piano

One of the things I used to love about Christmas at home was singing Christmas carols around the piano and so Michael and I had a sing-song around the piano this evening whilst my mum wrapped presents. Dad would have loved to have been there to listen or join in with the singing, particularly with his favourite carol “Silent Night” and it was nice to start feeling more festive and start enjoying Christmas, which is what he would have wanted us to do. Tomorrow Mum, Michael and I will be spending the day with my twin sister and her family.

Goodbye, Daddy

It was a good send off – so many friends and family there to say goodbye to Dad that it was standing room only. It was so hard to say goodbye but we all supported each other and helped each other through. I have so many beautiful memories of my dad – travelling to church on my wedding day where I just kept squeezing his hand, me stretching out my arms to show how much I love him and him saying “twice around”, watching musicals whilst eating cheese and biscuits together. I am so lucky to have had such a wonderful dad.

Preparing to say goodbye

The journey down to be with my family was much easier than expected (I suspect everyone else has been having a snow day). Whilst it is good to be with my family over the Christmas period, I have been dreading the trip down home because tomorrow is my dad’s funeral. There have been moments of feeling numb over the last couple of weeks, and moments when the reality that my dad has gone hits me, but tomorrow we will be saying our final goodbyes to the best dad anyone could ever have and it is going to be so hard.

Snow stops everything

The trouble with living in a country where snow doesn’t happen all that often is that when it does happen, despite the weather forecasters predicting it for several days, we are still completely unprepared and the result is complete and utter chaos. It took me 45 minutes to travel two stops on the tube this evening although that paled into insignificance when I heard that Michael’s colleague was still heading home at 11pm after leaving work at 5pm (a journey that normally would take 90 minutes). I hope we can manage to get back down to see my family tomorrow.

Attempting to find some Christmas spirit

Christmas shopping has been so much harder this year. Lots of little things in the shops reminding me of Dad – presents that he would have liked, the games we used to play, things like that. Buying family Christmas cards almost had me in tears – buying a card to “Mum” instead of “Mum & Dad”. And yet, I’m trying to get into the Christmas spirit just a little bit because Dad always loved Christmas and he would have wanted us to try and enjoy it. And so, the Christmas music was playing in the background whilst the presents were being wrapped.

Bah humbug

Leaving some of my Christmas shopping until the last Saturday before Christmas was not a good plan. I’m usually more organised and get the Christmas presents bought and wrapped early but unsurprisingly Christmas has not been high on my priorities list this year. That said, Christmas is going to happen whether I feel festive or not (currently not – I went to a carol concert yesterday and decided I would rather help out in the kitchen than join in with the carol singing). Still, at least the Christmas shopping is now done and I’ll be spending Christmas day itself at home.

End of an era

It was very sad to listen to Wake Up to Wogan for the final time this morning – it’s been one of my favourite things to listen to on the radio for the last few years. I made the switch from Radio 1 to Radio 2 back in 1995 because listening to Terry Wogan on the breakfast show was a much better option than listening to Chris Evans on Radio 1. It’s quite ironic then that Chris Evans is taking over the breakfast slot, although he has gradually grown on me since presenting the drivetime slot for the last 4 years.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

There’s just something about snow that makes me feel like a big kid. After spending the evening with my best friend, suddenly stepping outside and unexpectedly seeing a winter wonderland and snow falling outside was just magical. In true girly fashion, we both shrieked at each other and then had to run outside (despite me wearing slippers and no coat) Snow at this time of year is even better (a repeat performance this time next week would be good!) – after (unsurprisingly) not feeling remotely festive recently, seeing the snow made the festive spirit return if only for a few moments.

New arrivals

While I was off the pager last week, everything stayed very quiet and so consequently this week it has all gone a bit mad on the baby front. I blame yesterday’s new moon for this sudden rush of new arrivals. It’s left everyone feeling a little frazzled, and I suspect it has not been helped by me needing a little more support than usual (particularly when my client needed to go to hospital and I ended up handing over to one of the other midwives because I’m just not feeling up to being able to support someone in that environment).

Running on empty

It’s looking like the next couple of days are going to be very busy on the work front, the prospect of which has left me feeling a little overwhelmed. I’m feeling quite exhausted generally at the moment, despite having fewer problems sleeping at night and not quite sure whether I have any emotional energy reserves left with which to help support any labouring women. I suspect that I’ll be relying on Red Bull and adrenaline to get me through if I get called out at any point. Fingers crossed that I can manage to get some sleep tonight at least.

Return to "normality"

Back to being on-call today and taking the first steps back towards returning to “normality”. Thankfully, the pager has stayed fairly quiet so far – my biggest fear at the moment is not being called out to a birth, but having to accompany a client into hospital – fortunately my colleagues are all being very supportive. I popped into church this morning to help with putting up the Christmas decorations – it was hard walking into church and having to face people outside of my family but everyone has been so lovely. I’m just taking each day as it comes at the moment.

Returning home

Coming back home for the first time since losing Dad felt really strange but was easier than I’d anticipated, although it was hard to leave my family – being around everything that reminded me of Dad was comforting. My lovely husband had thoroughly cleaned the flat and was there at the door when I arrived ready with a big hug. He has been a tower of strength to me over the last few days and I am so thankful that I have such a wonderful husband to help support me, particularly when I am away from the rest of my family.

Hiding from the pain

Over the past couple of days, I have spent a lot of time feeling angry at my in-laws for not phoning which made me feel like they didn’t care; when they did call, their explanation that they had been too upset to call only angered me more. Today, I feel like I have been using that anger as a shield for my own grief and hiding behind it; as my anger starts to ebb away with the realisation that it was really just tactlessness and not deliberate thoughtlessness, the pain and longing for my dad is now beginning to emerge.

Feeling numb

I don’t think that it has really sunk in yet that Dad has gone. I spend most of my time feeling fairly numb to be honest, or feeling tired. It tends to sink in a little more at night when most of the family have left and then I have a bit of a cry, but during the day, I find myself wandering around, not really knowing what to do with myself. I’m dreading the next time I have to go into a hospital with a client because I think it will all come back to me at that point.

Stopping time

We are all supporting each other as a family – everyone has been phoning each other and popping round to make sure we are all okay. I have such a lovely family – we are all here for each other which is so important at a time like this. We had a strange moment this morning – when my mum gave Dad’s watch to my brother, the watch was still running but the date hadn’t changed from 8th December, although it had always changed the date perfectly before. Dad was always checking his watch to make sure that it had the correct date.

At peace

My dad slipped peacefully away yesterday afternoon, just after 2pm with my mum, my sister Loraynne, myself and Michael there with him to hold his hand, give him a cuddle and tell him how much we all love him. We knew yesterday morning that there was really nothing more which could be done, that further treatments would only prolong his suffering and so the oxygen mask which was distressing him was removed and his breathing gradually slowed and eventually stopped. His last conscious act was to give my mum a kiss, and then he gently slipped away and was gone.

Waiting and praying

Dad has been moved to a side room and the team are doing what they can to ensure he is comfortable. We have been told to visit at any time (not a good sign) and his condition is described as “not good”. Every time the phone rings, I want to run away and hide; I want to wake up and find that this is all some awful dream. We are taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and praying as hard as we can for some glimmer of hope, whilst trying to accept and prepare ourselves for bad news.

Losing hope

In just 24 hours, a world can be turned upside-down. I came away from the hospital last night feeling quite positive – yes, Dad was quite poorly, but he was in the best place and I was hopeful that all would be well. Today, we have been told to prepare ourselves for the worst. The chest infection has become pneumonia, and the doctors are concerned that it could be lung cancer. He looked so ill lying in the hospital bed with an oxygen mask on, really struggling to breathe. I am so afraid of what the next 24 hours could bring.

Update on Dad

Being on a night off tonight meant I could get home and go to the hospital to visit my dad. He wasn’t looking too well this evening – still quite poorly and quite confused. He’s on oxygen at the moment and was very sleepy. Still, he is in the best place for him at the moment and at least the chest infection is now being treated – hopefully he will be feeling a little better tomorrow. I’m glad I could get home to be with him and my family – it is so hard being away from them all at times like this.

Dad in hospital again

My dad is in hospital again with a chest infection and fluid on his right lung. At the moment it looks like he will be in hospital for about a week (hopefully he will be home for Christmas though). It is at times like this that I find it hardest to be living as far away from my family as I do. It’s only about seventy miles but I can’t get home when I’m on call and so it does feel like I am further away sometimes, particularly as most of my siblings live within two miles of my parents.

The morning after

Being on-call during the office night out was annoying at the time – those margaritas that everyone else was drinking looked very appealing, but come the morning after when your colleagues arrive at work looking like death warmed up (and obviously feeling as bad as they looked), being on-call (and therefore hangover-free) becomes a good thing. I discovered a few years ago just how evil hangovers were after the age of 25 after a two day hangover, the result of having got rather merry at a family party. No night out is good enough to be worth that amount of hangover!

Office Christmas meal

Tonight was the Christmas meal for all the office girls, and so we went out to a trendy bar for a rather rowdy evening of champagne and cocktails (a few sips of champagne and non-alcoholic cocktails for me due to being on-call). We had such a fun night, it was just such a giggle to have a girls’ night out. There are six of us in the office – all of whom work part-time office hours and we all get on really well. It is so nice to feel like part of a team that really supports and encourages each other.

Life is a rollercoaster

Sometimes, life ticks along, keeping on an even keel. Things go wrong; you shrug your shoulders, sort yourself out as best you can and manage to keep smiling though it all. Then, out of the blue, the rollercoaster seems to start up again. Minor irritations become full-blown battles, somehow the sense of perspective has disappeared. One day everything seems wrong; the next, life seems to be just wonderful, then it’s not, and you wake up in the morning, and wonder which way the mood is going to head today. And wait for the next period of calm between the storms.

Christmas wrapping

These days, Christmas seems almost to start at the end of October (or at the end of August in the retail world!) but I always try to resist the urge to get in the Christmas mood at least until November is out of the way. Now that we’re in December, I feel like it’s finally okay to start listening to Christmassy music and start really getting into the Christmas spirit. I’ve got a few Christmas presents already (still got quite a few more to get though!) but I just have to have some Christmas music on whilst I’m wrapping them.